The Pursuit of Happiness

Recent articles have been published about the unhappiness of women. To paraphrase, women are less happy than men and less happy than women 40 years ago. As opportunities for women increased exponentially over the last 40 years their unhappiness has grown. This was not supposed to be the outcome!

I am no expert on women but I do know something about happiness. I have been a student of my own happiness for 58 years and have observe many people in their pursuits. I have bouts with unhappiness frequently but manage to beat it back by putting it in perspective. So based on my experience and observations alone I think I can explain why women are having such a difficult time achieving happiness.

Let's start with expectations for men and women 40 years ago. The women's movement was just beginning and nobody but the relatively small group of activists saw much opportunity for women other than traditional career paths : teacher, nurse, housewife, mother. The few women that went to college majored in Home Economics or Education with the primary purpose being to find a husband. The focus in business, politics and life in general was on men, primarily white men, and women had a supportive, behind the scenes role. This was how their mother's lives were and most women were happy with it. The men of that day worked hard, left the child rearing to the mothers, and provided a good life for his family. Their identities were intact as long as each accepted the responsibility of their roles.

Fast forward 40 years. Women today were taught that they can choose any career path they wanted. They outnumber men in college and are aggressively competing head-to-head with men and winning jobs traditionally performed by men. Corner offices have more women than ever and political offices are won by an increasing number of women. Sounds like pretty significant changes in a relatively short period of time. So what is the problem?

EXPECTATIONS!!!!

Along the way these gains have instilled a level of expectations in women that are hard to meet. In business they are battling the "good ole boy" system that works against them. They work hard to compete for the promotions but are at a disadvantage because most of the bosses are older men that secretly think women should be home taking care of the kids. They are forced to make a choice between career and children and when they choose children they are put at a disadvantage because of the demands of the dual responsibility. The frustration that grows from the achievement of their expectations and goals result in unhappiness. This bleeds over to their family life as they see their family responsibilities as impediments to their goals. They are experiencing the pressures that men have traditionally experienced. Men were told to "take it like a man" so they dealt with it introspectively.

As I see it life is a decision tree and as you make choices and take off on a new branch you have to reevaluate your expectations, goals, and definition of happiness. How many of us are doing what we expected to do when we graduated high school? Many of us had lofty ambitions of being a doctor, lawyer or President of the U.S. We were never short on idealism but were short on realism. I went from wanting to be a lawyer in high school, then a band director when I started college. I got a degree in accounting, became a C.P.A., a chief financial officer, and currently a nursing home administrator. Go figure!! At each point a decision was made whether to pursue the current path or make a change. Some changes were very practical; you can starve on a band director's salary when you are trying to support a family. That is the pivotal point in most people's lives and changes your perspective tremendously. When you decide, or life decides for you, to have a family your definition of happiness changes dramatically. All of a sudden it is not all about you but also about your spouse and children. Their happiness supersedes yours for the rest of your life. After the kids are educated and have families of their own you get a little self-centered but you are there if they need you.

Even people who are "happy" deal with frustration, challenges, disappointment, and failure. That's life. I look forward to going to work each day because of the greater purpose I am serving and those challenges and idiots I must deal with are the price I pay to serve that purpose. At the end of the day I can reflect on what I did and feel good about it. I believe that is a key, if there is one, to happiness.

There have been many positive things come from the women's movement of the 70's. I believe their contributions in all fields have enhanced our country. Apparently this problem is just a by-product of its success.